EGoISM: i would wrap my heart in bands of rosewood

021402 Dusk

Everywhere I go, I see your face
And every sound I hear
Is the sound of your voice...
[Stabbing Westward, "Haunting Me"]

Chains of association suck. An example: over this summer, a cup of tea on the stove at my house reminded me I'm a horrible son. The chain went like this: Cup of tea, unfinished. Why's it there? My mother must have made it before going to work. Why's it there? She must have left for work before finishing it. She works insane hours. Why does she work insane hours? To put me through college. And what am I doing here? Wasting that money and effort of hers. Yeah. I reached that point about five seconds after glancing at the cup.

So Chad, Dale, Tzip and I were sitting around the apartment last night. And the people upstairs are being loud, moving furniture or something noisy. And I say concrete would be much better as a floor/ceiling instead of plaster. Then Chad goes, "What, you mean like Stoddard?" So I go, "No, Morgan has concrete ceilings too." Which makes me think of lying on the carpets in Morgan. Sleeping on the floor in Morgan 203 last year. And that just brought me down. Not that I was feeling great to begin with...

And walking back from my hour-and-a-half-long advising session just now, I saw signs for Alice In Wonderland... and that reminded me again...

I don't think I can do this...

021402 Later That Very Early Morning

CrumpledIt's words you forget to anniversary songs
Bottles bite back, your tolerance, wrong
Your good intentions count for little anymore
You're sorry, why wage war
      I'm not fully convinced
      There's something wrong with this
      Could another point of view
      Biased and untrue
      Tear me away from you
Will you be my
If I'm a world away
Are breaking me
Constants aren't so constant anymore
      Two days I wait for calls to come through
      Tonight for me translates to yesterday to you
Bend and you wave
You're barely away
Wish I could say tonight
When you bend and wave goodbye
You'd take me with you
      Will you be my
      If I'm a world away
      Are breaking me
      Constants aren't so constant anymore
      The constants aren't so constant anymore...
[Get Up Kids, "Valentine"]

For a while I had Saves The Day's "All I'm Losing Is Me" up here. But I felt this was more apropos.

... Valentine's Day sucks.

... Love is wrong.

... And girls are fu-- Bleh.

Why do I
Never seem to learn that
Love is wrong
And girls are fucking evil...
[The Ataris, "The Last Song I Will Ever Write About A Girl"]

Got to give credit where credit's due.

021402 Very Early Morning

Oh, yay. Valentine's Day. I wonder how much weird shit I'll get for having

It seems each year, the holidays just get worse...

021302 Dusk

"For the love of god, and all that is holy, my anus is bleeding!"

I shit you not. My ass is bleeding. How exactly I managed this... I don't know. It doesn't seem very severe...

Well, this adds to the levity, if anything.

But I'm not kidding.

021202 Late Night

This is where it falls apart
This is where it falls apart
I feel helpless as my everything comes
Crashing down on me...
[Stabbing Westward, "Falls Apart"]

I'm sorry, it's how I feel. When your nightmares become real... what do you do? When what you've been afraid of for the last few months happens... I guess the meetings weren't really helpful... I don't know... I... just don't know what to say. I don't want to write anything that'll bother Lindsay. The reason I have this site is so people know what's up with me. How I'm feeling. Generally it's shitty, yes. So I won't say too much. Lindsay called, said being friends shouldn't cause so much pain, so she was thinking we should stop. Nothing I could really say to that. So... yeah, that's what's up with me...

I promised her I'd live through the night. So I will... Or die trying.


021202 Later That Noon

Yeah, my whole time period system needs a bit of re-thinking. But anyway. I ain't going to Philosophy. I'm a half-hour late. For reference, I got out of bed at 12:05. Started typing the entry below. Got dressed... and now I'm too late. So fuck it.

021202 Noon

I'm in a parking lot
By myself
It's quarter to nine and
I've been here since 5:45
Oh, there's no one
But I can see some flickering lights
      I can hear some dogs
      Barking in the back yards
      And I smell gasoline
      I wish the sky were open
      'Cause if there weren't those trees
I think I could see for miles
The city is just beyond those clouds
I guess this is what it's like to be really down
And waiting for something...
[Saves The Day, "The Last Lie I Told"]

I just woke up. I'm late to my noon class. But I had to write this down. Had a troubling dream. Lindsay didn't die in this one, but it was similar. And more disturbing because it was more realis-- ...plausible. It didn't leave me dazed. Right now I just want to cry... But I guess I'll go to Philosophy.

021202 Very Early Morning

Don't you remember the last time
We were speeding down this highway
And Anna slept in the back seat
Dreaming in the autumn heat
We turned up the country radio
I said, "If you want me, just say so"
I slicked back my hair in the wind
      And I told you I didn't want my picture taken
      But you snapped it anyway, now
      I guess now
      I guess you won't have trouble
      Remembering me someday
So I floored it, swerved around the lanes
And I kept wishing it was you instead of me behind the wheel
So maybe with my camera, I could steal a shot of you
And go home to put it in my room
      And I told you I didn't want my picture taken
      But you snapped it anyway, now
      I guess now
      I guess you won't have trouble
      Remembering me someday
Maybe, you'll never remember me
Maybe, my face will lose these scars
Sometimes they keep me home at night
Where I duck under the covers and wince when I see the light
      And I told you I didn't want my picture taken
      But you snapped it anyway, now
      I guess now
      I guess you won't have trouble
      Remembering me someday
[Saves The Day, "Take Our Cars Now!"]

Next year's so unplanned. I don't know where I'm going to live. Or even if I'm going to be here. One day I'll be able turn and walk away without not look back. But I can't bring myself to that yet.

021102 Later That Very Early Morning

You know how you're supposed to be kind to your postman, be kind to the under-appreciated guy in your life.

I don't want to be hit. I'm not saying that anyone should do anything to me. I just came across this now, catching up on G-S' site; it made me smile. I'm going to go lie down. Maybe fatigue'll overpower fear. The fear's strong tonight, though. Then again, so's the fatigue. It should be quite a fight.

021102 Very Early Morning

I'm alright, I'll be okay
If I can keep myself awake...
[Black Lab, "Keep Myself Awake"]

Smoking outside Jon's dorm today I met this guy. Apparently he has a few percocets that he doesn't really want too much. I asked him for one and he said sure... but I haven't seen him. Damn. I'm afraid to go to sleep. But I guess I should. I was hoping drug-induced sleep would be better.

On a side note, I didn't have the dream last night. But that was probably because I kept waking up every half hour or so. Jon kept stirring, and we were on a waterbed. So he shook the whole thing. Yeah, I'm shit tired. But I'm keeping myself awake...

I've got a philosophy quiz at noon on Descartes' Meditations On First Philosophy, and I haven't even finished it. I'll probably have one on Rousseau's Discourse On Inequality soon, and I haven't cracked that one. Oh, and at three tomorrow afternoon I've got an economics test. Woo-fuckin'-hoo.